THE Basic Skill You'd Better Know!

I get so many questions about just how to kiss. Most guys know it's important, but put too little emphasis on doing it well. They think that what they really need is to know how to get phone numbers. Yes, that's important too, but you'd better have some skills in the kissing area AFTER you use that number to get a date!

Why is it so important? Women will judge almost everything else about a man by the quality of his kissing. Good kisser = good man. Bad kisser = bad man. Especially when you consider how easy it is to kiss well, there's no reason not to kiss like a pro.

By the way, this isn't meant to say that all women are good kissers either! In fact, less than 1/2 are really any good. But, there's another, more important part to the story: of those that aren't very good, many refuse to learn how to BE good!

Why is this? It's a perception issue.

Ask any man if he's a good driver, and he'll tell you "yes". Obviously, not everyone is a good driver, but that doesn't matter. A man has a perception of his ability to operate machinery and since he's a man, he's got to be good at it.

Women feel this same way about kissing! They think that they are great kissers simply because they're women. Sorry girls, that's not a fact. Many, many of you could use some pointers in the kissing department, so read on.

The Checklist

Before you move in close, check everything - you want this to be a pleasant experience, not something bad or embarrassing:

• Is your breath ok? Here's how you check: when you're by yourself, (please - don't do this in front of your date!), lick the palm of your hand, then sniff it. If it smells ok, your breath is ok. If not, pop a mint or three.
• Check your teeth for stray food particles. If you don't have a mirror, a knife, or even the crystal on your watch can help. If you find any, get rid of them!
• For men: are you clean-shaven or do you have a 3-day old beard. Women's faces are very sensitive. You don't want to go rubbing that sandpaper on her cheek unless she absolutely loves it.
• Are your lips chapped, or (for women - hopefully), have you just applied lipstick? If you're lips aren't ready for kissing, get them in shape first. No woman wants those dry, coarse lips against hers, and no man wants to wear your lipstick for the rest of the night.
• Is he or she receptive to being kissed? This is something of a gray area because sometimes a kiss out of the blue can be just the right thing. If you're not sure (or experienced enough to know), don't risk it.

Ok, ready? Let's get started learning the right way to kiss:

How to Begin

You will probably need to practice as kissing isn't a natural skill. How do you practice? Well, your brother, sister or grandmother aren't good choices. Neither is your dog - I don't care what you hear about their mouths being clean!

It's a good idea to practice on something because you want to learn the "feel" when you're doing it right, (we'll get into that in the next sections.) One way to practice is to use a pillow, the back of your hand or even the inside of your arm. You want something that is soft and "fleshy feeling" - just like your partner's lips will be.

In your practicing, try to imagine the perfect setting - and that you're completely relaxed and confident. Most people spend too much time imagining the worst-case scenario rather than what they WANT to happen. If negative thoughts creep into your mind, stop and get them under control and start again.

Here are the steps to a perfect kiss:

Step #1 - Before you start

Imagine being ready to give your date that first kiss. You probably don't want to just jump on them and plant a big, wet kiss on their mouths or to just shove your tongue down their thoats. That's far too much, too soon. Instead, you want some build up and drama and appear smooth and confident. Here's how you create that:

First, stop whatever conversation is going on. One way to do this is to wait until it's your turn to talk, (and there is no lingering question in the air, like, "And what will you be having for lunch, sir?") You should watch your conversation pattern anyway. If you're the only one rambling, your date it going to get bored very quickly. Excessive talking is also a sign of nervousness. Try to calm yourself by breathing slowly and deeply. Further, if you're constantly yammering on, it doesn't give anyone the chance to make a move.

Step #2 - The approach

If you're walking or just standing, bringing your partner around to face you can be a very dramatic opening to the first kiss. You can take his or her hands, and draw them toward you. If you're sitting, you'll first need to turn to face your partner. For women, you can even cozy up to them or even sit in their laps!

The next step is to make direct eye contact. Just look into your partner's eyes for a moment. Make it last just a little longer than usual. This actually says that something's about to happen. Look right into them as though you're looking through him or her to an object behind them. Add a soft, confident smile.

Then, slowly move closer. Move as much of your body as you can without actually pressing against them. You might even reach out and take the person's hands to draw them close to you - all while still looking into their eyes.

As you get closer to your target, you want to let your eyes close. Some people kiss with their eyes open, and this can be alarming to some people. Nothing breaks the mood faster than to open your eyes in mid-kiss only to see the other person looking intently right back at you. So, as you get close, let your eyes close.

Step #3 - Initial Mouth Control

To begin with, you need to learn the proper way to hold your mouth and lips. When you first start kissing, there is a tendency to want to kiss like you were taught when you were a child - with your lips puckered, tight and closed. This is very UN-sexy!

Try this: open your mouth slightly while relaxing your lips and the muscles of your face completely. Use your fingers to feel how soft and spongy your lips feel. This is where things begin. When you want to kiss someone, don't tighten your lips - keep them relaxed at first.

There is a band of muscle the surrounds your mouth in a ring, (called the "orbicular oris" if you care to know). This is a very strong muscle and lets you put your mouth into all sorts of shapes - especially the pucker. You want to use this muscle because, while your lips should be relaxed, this muscle should be slightly tensed. The key word here is "slightly".

Now, with your mouth slightly open and your lips relaxed, press your lips gently against the fleshy part of the back of your hand, behind and between your thumb and first finger. Hold it there and note how your lips feel. This is where everything begins, as it's the exact feel you want to go for when you kiss someone else.

The amount of pressure you use will depend on your particular tastes, but remember that if you kiss too softly it will tickle and he or she will pull away. If you kiss too hard, the blood will leave her lips and they'll go numb. Between these extremes is a lot of navigation room however. Let your kissing partner help determine what pressure is right.

Remember to keep your lips slightly firm at this point. As you add pressure, your lips may curl up- and down-ward, exposing the moist inner-lip. You never want your kisses to start off wet. This is sloppy and shows very poor form. That doesn't mean that they won't get wet, but that's for later.

Step #4 - Proper head position

If you are looking at your kissing partner straight-on, with your head exactly parallel to theirs and you try to kiss them, you're just going to bump noses. So, as you move in, you're going to have to cock your head slightly. This can be as far as 90 degrees or as little as about 10. Be sure not to stick your chin out too far however or you're going to just bump into them!

Step #5 - Lip position

Exactly where your lips are placed isn't really that important. They don't have to be lined up perfectly with your partners, and in fact should be slightly off-center.

You can even "stagger" your lip position with your partners lower or upper lip in between yours for example. The exact position isn't important as long as a majority of your lips make contact with a majority of their lips.

Kissing with Proper "Form"

Now that you understand how a good kiss starts, let's examine the next parts of the kiss.

When you first start kissing, you should hold somewhat still and just experience the other person. The point of the kiss is that your lips, nose, face and cheeks are very sensitive. You can use this to explore the feelings of being this close to someone.

As well, you can use your sense of smell to "breath in" the person you're kissing. You want to use as many senses as you can - expect sight - when you're kissing. The experience isn't about doing something to someone else, it's about using your senses, and arousing someone else's.

So, after you make your first lip-lock, hold it still for just a moment. This may take 3-4 seconds. After this, you want to add just a little motion to further stimulate the kiss. You can so this by either moving your mouth slightly, or by keeping your mouth completely still and moving your head slightly.

This motion adds slight stimulation to the kiss by not only using the pressure on the front of the lips, but the teeth behind them. But, you don't want to press too hard - yet.

Next Steps

Ok, now that you understand how the kiss should start, and how that feels, let's move on to the next few steps.

If you're at all inclined to try to shove your tongue down your partner's throat at this point, smack yourself. That isn't how it's done, and you'll probably never get the chance to try this again with a real person.

Using your tongue is a technique we'll cover later, but you should be absolutely clear on the fact that your tongue is NOT part of the initial kiss - it is far too much, far too soon.

What you should do now is to extend the sensation of the kiss with more motion. You can open your mouth a bit more at this point, but again, avoid using your tongue yet. If done properly, the kiss should be very stimulating - sending waves of electricity through your body - and your partners. Every motion will either add to this or enhance it.

Thus, you want to vary aspects of the kiss. For example, you can add more pressure or take it away. You can move your mouth around your partners is different patterns. You can tighten and relax your lips. You can even take your partner's lip between your own. The point here is to mix it up adding more stimulation.

What to Do With Your Hands

You might be wondering where to put your hands while all of this is going on. If executed properly, your hands should become part of the kiss. They should be placed somewhere on your partner's body that will add - not subtract from it. For example, if you rest your hands on your partner's ass, their focus will be there instead of on the mouth. You can get to that later, Casanova!

For now, put your hands on the small of her back - just above her hips. For women, wrap your hands up your partner's back. This position gives you both the ability to draw the other closer. As the kiss progresses you want this closeness to build and to eventually fade into nothing but the kiss itself.

As the kiss progresses, (usually after a minute or two), you can run your hands around your partner's back adding yet more stimulation to the kiss. People talk all the time about the "sensual kiss". This is because, if done properly, a kiss should create huge sensations within your partner and you - both physical and emotional. The more contact you add (at the right times, and in the right places), the more of this sensation builds on the kiss.

This is also why you want to avoid touching breasts, nipples, genitals and even the sides in the beginning. These are hugely sensitive areas that will actually get sensation just from being close to each other.

If you try to add too much stimulation too soon, your partner may actually become over-stimulated and have to break off the kiss, thus negating the effect you were going for. As well, if you don't "grow" the kiss, it becomes boring after a while. Learning to properly use your hands is one of the techniques to prevent this.

Adding the Tongue to the Kiss

In general, guys often add the tongue to a kiss too early. Then, when they do, it is too aggressive. You absolutely must not try to shove your tongue down your partner's throat! That's true for men AND women by the way.

The tongue is extremely sensitive and should be used only after you've built up everything else.  It's also wet, and as we've already explored, you don't want the kiss to get wet in the beginning - that's for later.

But, when you're ready to crank it up a notch the tongue and even teeth can be a great addition. Here's how:

As you part your mouth, draw your tongue forward slightly, touching your partner's lips very gently. They may respond by either opening their mouth for you to explore further, or offering you their tongue.

This is where things get confusing - what do you do with your tongue now? In general, you want to use it to taste and explore your partner's mouth, lips, teeth and tongue. Many people however don't know what to do so they make any or all of the following mistakes:

• They "flick" the tongue back and forth like a snake. This can be a good technique if used IN MODERATION. It isn't the point of using the tongue, just one technique. If used too much, it just gets irritating.
• They lick. That's not the point either. Some people like to taste their partner's face and lips, but you'd better be damn sure your partner likes this because many people don't - that's what they have dogs for!
• They shove their tongues in and out of their partner's mouth, trying to see how far they can reach. Very poor form!

Remember, the point of using your tongue is to explore. This is done in a slow, specific way. You can run your tongue over your partner's teeth for example, but do it slowing and methodically, exploring the ridges and surfaces. If your partner doesn't like this he or she will tell you by putting their tongue in the way.

You can also run your tongue gently around the inside of your partner's lips, under the teeth and explore the insides of their mouth. Keep in mind that the mouth parts are very sensitive, and this may actually tickle then, so pay attention. If they try to get your attention away from a particular area of their mouth, find another.

What about drawing your partner's tongue into your own mouth? Again, this is fine. Once there you can either let them explore your mouth, or even use your tongue to guide them around. You can lick and taste their tongue if you enjoy this.

However, try not to suck on a person's tongue. The tongue is very vascular (has a very large blood supply), so by sucking on it, you will cause it to expand - a very painful experience! Also, don't bite down on a person's tongue unless they ask for it. It's just too sensitive.

Lip Biting

Another technique is to GENTLY bite or nibble on your partner's lip. If you're gentle, you can even suck on it slightly. Pay particular attention to your partner's responses during this. You don't want to cause pain, just stimulation.

In general, the lower lip is usually better for this than the upper lip, but everyone is different. Learn what you partner likes and do that.

Other Parts to Use In the Kiss

When you're kissing, don't focus exclusively on the mouth. The rest of the face, ears and neck are also very sensitive. You can run your lips around a person's nose or cheek for example. You can also plant little kisses all over the face - just make sure they're dry kisses. If you leave a moist trail, it's going to get cold as it dries, and become uncomfortable.

Many women find the sides of the neck particularly sensitive and sexual. Many will actually prevent you from kissing or nibbling them there because it causes such direct sexual arousal! Don't force, but don't hesitate to explore either!

People's ears are also very sensitive. You don't want to bite someone's ear very hard, but gentle nibbling and sucking - particularly on the ear lobe - can be very erotic.

Some people get off on having their chins and cheeks kissed and nibbled. Others like different kinds of stimulation. Learn to use your face - your nose, cheeks, chin, even hair - as other ways to stimulate your partner. Pay attention to what they like, and what they don't like.

Conclusion

Practicing kissing can become something of a game - and will often lead to other things. So take, time and practice!